Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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Go on a parade-ground the young lieutenant and old praporshchik.
navstrechu goes young, beautiful devushka.
leytenant to the ensign: "Give its vyeby?" .
praporshchik: "Give! And for what?"

*****

Frontier guards follow in the tracks of the violator. Suddenly human traces ended and the cow went. Everything is clear, the trace wants to confuse. Run on the cow. Take off on a glade, look, the herd of cows is grazed and the shepherd sits. Run up to nemu:
-Ded, you can tell, what cow others?
-Yes easily. That, the second sprava.
- And how you distinguished it from others?
-Yes is very simple. It approaches me and asks:
"Ded how to pass on railway station? "
TUT I also realized, our cows know, where railway station.

*****

There are two privates to armies, speaks:
-Listen to one give we will joke of a prapor!
-Is good! Already joked of the dean!

*****

There are two privates on barracks. They are met requirements by the foreman. One private speaks:
-Give another, speaks, Vasya with the foreman we will joke!
-Enough! Already with the dean joked!

*****

There are two soldiers along a corridor. One speaks to another: give we will play a trick on the sergeant! That answers: will be enough, already played a trick on the dean!
praporshchik soldatam:
-you should not lower eyes from the enemy! Sidorov, you that so stared at me?

*****

There are doctrines after successful hit of the rocket to the purpose the Major Generalu:
tovarishch reports the General from object remained nothing! I repeat on letters Nikolay, Ivan, Khariton, Ulyana, Yakov!!! NI-CHE-GO!!!

*****

From the military spravochnika:
"the Probable opponent is the country or group of the countries where all our management with all stolen money if something happens will run away...".

*****

From the military notes vracha:
est two types of diseases - @uynya and pi@dets.
@uynya - itself are treated, and pi@dets - is incurable!

*****

From the commission in a military registration and enlistment office the young guy reports okulistu:
-I extremely blizoruk, doktor.
-Well, we will consider. You will be sent to division where deal with very large subjects.

*****

From news of November 28, 2003: In the conditions of complete secrecy the U.S. President George Bush arrived the day before to Iraq. As it is noted, to Iraq in the White house knew about flight no more than five the next pomoshchnikov
busha, and even reported to his spouse about the forthcoming flight only for an hour to a plane departure. In general decided to tell to George Bush nothing.

*****

From area tekhniki:
-That such tank, companions fighters?
- The Tank is the excited tractor, companion colonel!!!!

*****

From the instructor's explanations on hand-to-hand boyu:
-In sport to gain the main point, and in a prikladukha - actually, to keep...

*****

From the letter of the sailor home. "Dear mother, I came to the Navy because I liked the purity and an order supported by the ship. But only a week ago I understood who maintains this purity".

*****

From conversation of two soldat:
- And how you learned, what you are a bricklayer?
-Well as. The major approached and told: "You are a bricklayer".

*****

From the report of the American command: "Tactics of application of dolphins sappers in the desert justified itself only partially".

*****

From the textbook for military Driverey:
zerkalo a rear view serves for giving of a rear view in the driver's eyes.

*****

Invented new "Rubik's Cube" for army. For ensigns and junior officers - monophonic, for the senior officers - monolithic.

*****

Invented the new rocket. Put the astronaut there. Started. Only it flew up, the computer speaks: "Height - 10 million kilometers! "
NU, astronaut, naturally, udivlyaetsya.
through couple of minutes: "Height of 100 million kilometers!" Astronaut figeet.
through 5 minutes: "Height of 10 billion kilometers!". Kosmonavt:
-Oh, My God!...
I suddenly silent, but distinct golos:
-That?...

*****

Israeli army. There are by part American and Israeli generals. Suddenly the soldier meets halfway and does not salute. The American speaks:
-Well you also dismissed the soldiers!
izrailtyanin speaks: - Now I will deal with it!
dogonyaet he the soldier, taps of him on the shoulder and speaks:
-Zyama, you that, took offense perhaps?

*****

The foreign delegation stays at the Soviet hotel. Ha an entrance ikh
vstpechayet the tidy, brought-up "on a string" militiaman. Translator of passypalas
v komplimentakh:
-Oh, what y us well-mannered, accurate militia! What polite and cultural!
Ha that the militiaman, having reddened, otvechayet:
-So @ulya - us for it @but!

*****

The inspecting general comes into the shelter for cattle. Looks, soldiers are forced svinyyu.
-by You that do, the fighter?
-your order vypolnyayu.
-What order? You after all told
-. That fat was with layers - the pig needs to be fed day, day to huyarit in a sraka.

*****

Inspection in the dining room voinskoy chasti.
inspektiruyushchy the colonel approaches the sergeant on kukhne.
-Why do not put bay leaf in soup?
-is not guzzled - with, companion colonel!

*****

The parachuting instructor instructs with beginners. One of them asks:
- And if I do not develop the main parachute and spare too, how many I will fly to the earth?
-For the rest of the life...

*****

The parachute jumps instructor checks adjustment of fastening of straps. Approaches one parachutist, checks foot grasps (they between feet pass) and asks: - does not press some Egg? - No. - How call? - Olya!

*****

The instructor offered introduction to crew bombardirovshchika:
-onboard there was a fire, and you have to leave the plane. However the lamp of a cabin done not otstrelnutsya, and a cover of the mate hatch zayelo.
vashi actions, the lieutenant Smith?
-Ya I will catapult through a lamp, - the commander air korablya.
-O'key answered, - the instructor told, - You will leave the plane, but will hurt the head and will be lost. Second pilot, your actions?
-Ya I will get out of the car through the opening done by the commander.

*****

Interestingly as if the grandfather Freud answered such question: if the person of 7 years successfully disappeared from army, and now every evening watches the soap opera "Soldiers" is that? - the melancholy for impracticable children's dream or it simply loves horror films?

*****

History from life 108 gv. Paraborne regiment. Monday, obshchee
postroyeniye, including the female military personnel. Zampolit to a regiment obrashchayetsya
s rechyyu:
-to us it is necessary to create women's body into which five members would enter...
ODNA from women venomously voproshayet:
-Is so big body, or so little members? otvet:
-I do not know
sleduyet who here that thought, but I meant WOMEN'S COUNCIL!!!

*****

The messenger, and speaks:
-Companion general, you a package resorts to the general at night!
-Not to "you", but "you", so your mother!!!
-Yes why it to me, it to you paket.
-Here your mother, could not send more cleverly than whom!
-So clever sent to clever, and me to you.

*****

To the general producer of TV channel the creative producer comes and suggests to put new realiti-shou.
generalnyy:
- And what sense in this show?
kreativnyy:
-Nikakogo.
generalnyy:
-A the morals in it are?
kreativnyy:
-A as! Amorali how many ugodno.
generalnyy:
-Start.

*****

To new Russian the daughter and speaks:
- The Father comes, I leave zahusband .
-As?! For whom?
-For the priest...
-of Che! You absolutely sduret?
-Well love, father... You understand, the heart has a will of its own...
-Well... you though bring him, we will get acquainted...
privodit it the very young deacon, sit they, eat, drink. speaks:
-Hear NR, zyatek, here the daughter of a fur coat at me on 10000 greens changes every month. How, it is interesting to me, you will live that? As you will support her...
-God will help...
-A still it at me got used to fly to Paris every week a new hairdress to do. How now?
-God will help …
-Yes, and here it prefers to go by Ferrari or Porsche, each half a year new model takes... How you imagine joint life with it?
-God will help...
NU sat, the groom home left. Daughter and asks:
-Well as, fathers, you my groom?
-Well as?... The sucker the sucker but when I God am called, is pleasant to me!

*****

To soldiers to army there comes the striptease dancer and shows striptiz.
posle the thrown-off coat - an applause in the evening. After the thrown-off dress huge aplodismenty.
posle the thrown-off brassiere amazing aplodismenty.
posle the thrown-off shorts... tishina.
tantsovshchitsa and so will turn-... silence!
ONA asks: unless I am not pleasant to you any more....? shepchet:
-Odnoy a hand you will not applaud
KTO from the hall...

*****

- A boar, the Boar, I - the Squirrel. How you hear? Priyom.
- The Squirrel, I hear you well. Where are you? Priyom.
- The Boar, I fly for you, for you I fly! How understood? Priyom.
- The Squirrel, I am a Boar, did not understand, why fly for me? Priyo

*****

Every Saturday at 9.30 on Radio of Russia Alexander's program of Prapora
"Eat, the soldier!"

*****

Somehow time a military registration and enlistment office called teachers of some HIGHER EDUCATION INSTITUTION na
povysheniye military qualification. On one of occupations lektor
(the captain of N-go of a rank) decided to give an example treugolnika.
narisoval a triangle, placed the sizes of the parties. Priblizitelno
through 20 seconds started reaching teachers and associate professors, chto
takogo the triangle in the nature cannot be as dvukh
storon it had length less than length tretyey.
-Companion captain, such triangle cannot be, - said
odin from slushateley.
-So I for an example, companions. For an example.

*****

As usual, armed soldiers of Lomami and shovels and otpravili
shurshat to the city. As usual, big business - with bolshogo
perekura. By there are kids with portfolios. Serzhant:
- The Boy, you in school?
malchik:
-Yes, in shkolu.
-Is pleasant at school?
-Hee-a.
-we Change school for army? Hold
-Davay.
-! (stretches scrap).

*****

How to understand the phrase: "Neither in p %%% at, nor in Krassnuyu Army"???
- The IMPOTENT MAN WITH PLATYPODIA!!!

*****

Somehow officers different armiy.
propustili on couple for success gathered at one table after joint doctrines. Here the American zayavlyaet:
- At us invented and already almost launch the missile which is not present analogs in mire.
ona and cheap in production, and impregnable, and accuracy simply neveroyatnaya.
s such rocket to us is every chance to become nepobedimymi.
ofitser to the French army speaks:
- And at us in the country release of new "Mirage" which surpasses all fighters which are available in the world in the characteristics is begun. It has the most powerful arms, the best flight qualities. Generally ours gordost.
sovetsky the officer speaks:
-Yes, by the way, at us serves in part the ensign Vasilyev. So it has a body of such size that already seven vorobyyov pomeshchayetsya.
posideli still. Passed still on some. Already eyes began to shine, persons reddened...
amerikanets propped up a fist a face and speaks:
-Speaking frankly, our wonderful rocket has some shortcomings. Assembly not absolutely qualitative therefore also accuracy limps and not always flies to that storonu.
u the Frenchman tears welled up on glaza:
- And our "Mirage" is not ideal. Not always corresponds to characteristics, does not reach, not strelyaet.
russky speaks:
- And here at us the ensign Vasilyev serves in part. It has such body that already seven vorobyyov is located. The truth not freely, and having closely nestled to each other...
posideli still. Passed still fairly. Suddenly the American hardly moving language of the beginnings sokrushatsya:
-Generally, this our rocket that other as shit. Spent money of taxpayers for promotion. And this piece of iron does not even fly up!
frantsuz burst out crying, and smearing tears on cheeks speaks:
- And our "Mirage", fie, nonsense. Simply stuck together that will not be able to fly up in order that money to acquit yes enemies to intimidate, and vsyo.
a russkiy:
- And at on the ensign Vasilyev serves in part. So such body is available for it that seven vorobyyov are located, only at the seventh all the time the pad slides off...

*****

- What first duty of the soldier in the war?
-to Die for the homeland!
nepravilno. The first duty of the soldier - to make so that enemies died for the homeland!

*****

- What foremost duty of the soldier in the war?
-to Die for the Homeland!
-is wrong! The first duty of the soldier - to make so that our enemies died for their Homeland!