Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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- Mr. Hudson. If you disagree to work for us, we will publish information on your adventures in a yellow press, the English newspaper Sun, and our courier in five minutes will hand a package with record and photos to your wife Louise in Birmengem. See, al

*****

- I was bored by the sergeant Brooks with the familiarity, -
zhalovalsya the private Smith to the friend: - at conversation on
postoyanno claps me up to a breast and breaks thus cigarettes v
nagrudnom a pocket. But anything, I found a way to disacc

*****

- What the military on the citizen can do?
-A lot of things, especially when it is pleasant to the citizen.

*****

- You can describe the attacking? - asks politseyskiy
poterpevshego which person all in grazes and krovopodtekakh.
-Of course, I can!!! - the victim jumps. - I as raz
i did it when it e%anut me in a jaw...

*****

My grandfather - the veteran of war, often we play with it chess if I lose - I should sit down at a computer, to include CALL Of Duty 2 at the easiest level and to pass the Moscow and Stalingrad campaigns, and the grandfather sits next, orders, and enjoys...

*****

The very young lieutenant overslept on service. In the morning it awakes phone and a voice dezhurnogo:
-you want sex by phone? Da's
-!
-I Give a tube to your commander....

*****

The young guy has to be called up for military service. It comes to the military commissar and speaks:
-I Will pay any money, only in army not berite.
-Agreed, - the military commissar answers it. - Means, so, you will bring me money this night for a cemetery, I will sit naked on a grave and to sing songs to the guitar. The next day again draft commission. The military commissar to it zayavlyaet:
-Is fit! You will go to serve!
-As so, companion military commissar?! I naked on a cemetery gave money to you! You still to the guitar sang songs at night! Here the psychiatrist and speaks:
-Well rises, it it is immediately necessary to transfer to the reserve!

*****

The young man sprashivayut:
-Where you lost a hand? In the war?
-It... It me in a military registration and enlistment office was dragged.

*****

The young driver Bilds returned to garage on foot late nochyyu.
-Where your truck? - asked it komandir.
-In two miles otsyuda.
-Why you did not drive it here?
-Was already dark, and I could not bring together all parts, the sir.

*****

The young man on duty costs on a post for the first time. Worries, constantly corrects a belt, a headdress. Suddenly the commander of a regiment comes into a company. The man on duty became puzzled, the mouth opened and stood, all charter forgot. The lieutenant colonel emu:
-Well, what you stand and you are silent, I ask you? Shout!
-A-a-a-a!!!

*****

The young Jewish fellow registers in the Jewish army. The commission sets question :
-Present, you in the field. Ahead of you the Arab. Your actions?
-Is enough the machine gun and I kill araba.
-Correctly. Following situation: you in the field, ahead of you the Arab, at the left and on the right too on the Arab. Your actions?
-Is enough the machine gun and I kill vsekh.
-Correctly. Such situation: you in the field, before you three Arabs, behind too three Arabs, on the right/at the left besides on three Arabs and, still the tank go. Your actions?
-Is enough the machine gun and I kill Arabs. Then I throw the grenade and I undermine tank.
-Correctly. And here such situation: you in the field, ahead one hundred Arabs, on the right/at the left/behind one hundred, three tanks because of the hill seemed and heels of helicopters dive. Your actions?
-A is possible a question?
-Mozhno.
-Ya one in the Jewish army???

*****

The young guy does sound insulation sten.
ryadom costs him ded.
paren: - Interestingly, 5 centimeters of cotton wool will be enough? Probably not. Neighbor too noisy. It is necessary to do 10 or 15.
slyshish the grandfather, and you as sound insulation did earlier?
DED: - Wrote letters to People's Commissariat for Internal Affairs!!!

*****

The young pilot comes in the land and decides to poshitit: contacts the dispatcher and speaks: "Guess, who?" The dispatcher instantly disconnects all fires on a runway and speaks: "Guess, where."

*****

The young fireman rose on the fire-escape put opposite to a window of a bathroom of the burning house. In a bathroom the young brunette in transparent halate.
-Aga- And. You the second pregnant woman whom I rescue in it godu.
-But I not beremenna.
- And you also are not rescued.

*****

The young soldier who arrived home to holiday told the parents o
svoyey lives. Suddenly he broke off and stared in a window at four girls going po
ulitse. Mother whispered to the father: "Look, our boy already grew up. To army he vovse
ne was lost in contemplation of girls". Their son watched closely girls, poka
oni did not disappear from a look. Then it turned and disappointedly said:
-One of them went without cadence.

*****

The young farmer who is called up for military service in the letter home napisal:
"This army life - continuous pleasure. It is possible to lie in to five o'clock in the morning".

*****

The young man tried to receive release from an appeal, referring to short-sightedness. It submitted the reference from the oculist and even brought on the draft commission the bride that she confirmed his physical defect. Having seen the bride, the commission immediately exempted the young man from military service because of his extremely weak sight.

*****

To the young man on draft komissii:
- The Young man - Your F. I. O.
-Pushkin Alexander of Sergeevich
predsedatel draft komissii:
-Something is sick a name familiar...
molodoy chelovek:
-Still - the father at recruiting station works for me...

*****

Moscow. The call center UVD.
- Tovarishch the person on duty, OMON started dispersal of a fight between the marching pi%arasa and fashistami.
-Well and how ours there?

*****

The Moscow time twenty hours, for those who did not understand - vosem
chasov evenings, for junior officers and ensigns - malenkaya
strelka costs on figure eight, for the senior officers - tsifra
vosem is similar to a female breast.

*****

- The Moscow time - 20 hours. For the feeble-minded - eight o'clock in the evening. For ensigns and officers - a big arrow on 12, small - on eight. For the senior officers - the figure eight reminds the woman's figure.

*****

My village so wild that I heard the first not abusive words in the life in army...

*****

The husband, having returned from business trip, finds at himself on a balcony of three soldiers trying to consider something in the field-glass. On all his questions the wife puzzly shakes plechami.
- And what you do here? - the husband at voyennykh.
-Yes you is interested be not surprised, please, - one of them answers, - here we have doctrines nearby, so by mistake to you a landing zabrosili.
husband usmekhayetsya:
-to That to be surprised here after last week at me geologists found oil in a toilet bowl.

*****

The man eats apples, picks out seeds from there and fills the pocket. The ensign, having seen it, is interested: what for? Muzhik:
- And these sunflower seeds from me will be bought then, they povyshayut.
praporshchik:
-Perhaps and me one you will sell intelligence?
-Please, 50 rubles shtuka.
prapor buys a sunflower seed, eats it and speaks:
-So for 50 rubles I could take the whole 2 kilograms of apples! Here you see
- At once grew wiser!
deystvitelno... Sell me ten more.

*****

The man, passing by a fence of military unit, hears strange komandy:
-Green up! Green up!!! Up green, I told!!! The man also looked at
udivilsya in a shchelochka, and it appeared soldiers under predDriverstvom
prapora plant trees...

*****

- Men, me in army zabirayut.
-As so, you have an enuresis and platypodia?
-told Me: "For Germans you will be"

*****

Murshtruyet the commander of soldiers, approaches one and asks:
-Why an earring in an ear?
-Is guilty, companion commander, forgot to pull out!
-Is your father forgot to pull out...

*****

M?ller of Shtirlitsu:
-you know, I have Stierlitz for you two news: one bad and one very bad. With what to begin?
-Well, perhaps, about the bad... The Russian radio operator everything told
-!
-A very bad news?
-Told not us, and your wife!

*****

On a ball the young artillery officer dances with ocharovatelnoy
yunoy krasavitsey.
-Tell, the lieutenant and how do guns?
-Oh, the mademoiselle, very simply, - are answered by the officer, - undertakes dyra
i has a shower bath copper.

*****

On a racetrack the group of soldiers prepared for run and expected, the sergeant will give to
kogda start from the starting gun. The woman,
nablyudavshaya behind these competitions, told the podruge:
-Look at these unfortunate soldiers: all is necessary them delat
pod a gun barrel.

*****

On evening checking the sergeant prikazal:
- The Private Simen to fail on two shaga.
- The Private Simen is in hospital, - one of soldat.
-Silently answered! - the sergeant demanded. - Everyone is responsible for himself.

*****

On field collecting morning checking. Drunk serzhant
pytayetsya to give the first komandu:
- The Platoon! Napra... Cash... Around... Run... About a wall a forehead!.
IK... To set aside! Itself I will make!

*****

The first is taken advantage of the Ukrainian Army nepotoplyaemyy
avianosets which is made of an integral piece of polyfoam!
takzhe on arms arrived new rockets of the class "On Whom Bo
gposhlet" and "Rare" which reach already the middle of Dnieper.

*****

On gate of camp of rangers words were written: "If vy
ubivayete just for the hell of it - You the sadist if you kill radi
deneg - You the mercenary if you kill for the sake of that and another - vy
reyndzher".

*****

On granitse:
-Companion ensign, and there are clever dogs?
-Happen, the private. Sometimes even it is cleverer than owners. At me was such...

*****

On a board of orders in a company it was placed such rasporyazheniye:
"lower by the listed serviceman to arrive at 12.00 in pomeshcheniye
sklada for receiving the medal "For Faultless Service". Nevypolneniye
rasporyazheniya will cause application of disciplinary actions".

*****

On occupations on taktike:
- And now, companions soldiers, raise the heads and posmotrite
vverkh. Directly over you - Polar zvezda.
-Companion sergeant, caps fall!
-Understood... A platoon, two steps backwards, at a slow pace - march!

*****

On classes in tactical preparation the instructor put before the cadet zadachu:
-Present, the cadet Bedl that you move on the desert district and suddenly see, having taken cover behind a stone, in you the opponent's sniper aims from a rifle. Your actions?
-Ya I will try to shoot pervym.
-you pressed a trigger, but a lock jammed, and a shot not posledovalo.
- Then I will throw into the opponent granatu.
-you threw, but the detonator did not work, and the grenade not vzorvalas.
-In a prompt throw I will hit the enemy shtykom.
-you struck, but missed and broke a bayonet about a stone. The opponent rushed on you with nozhom.
-I will get on derevo.
-But in the desert do not grow derevya.
-Listen, the sir! - the cadet exclaimed. - I do not understand, on whose you to the party - on mine or the opponent?

*****

At competition of short stories (in 300 words) the private of Petrov.
vot won against it rassaz:
"our sergeant ordered to construct to himself a separate toilet where let nobody. We became angry and filed columns on which there was this toilet. Here 21 words. Other 279 words were told by our sergeant, getting out of a cesspool."