Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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The pilot on the commission...
-Growth?
-182.
-Weight?
-84.
-Spirometry?
-It still that?
-Well, you blow how many?
-A, liter two...
-A in the book is written four...
-So it on holidays.

*****

Pilots pass annual medical commission. One pilot comes into an office, undresses, and it has all back in mozolyakh.
-That it at you? - asks vrach.
-Yes it... I work in transport aircraft. It is necessary to help to unload and load the plane. Here and namozolil.
-it is good... Goden.
zakhodit other pilot, undresses, and at him on a bum huge mozol.
-???
-Yes it... I am the pilot of civil aviation. Constantly in a chair, almost I do not get up. Here and namozolil.
-it is good... Goden.
zakhodit the third, military pilot Istra %% the tel, undresses, and at it on a breast huge sinyak.
-That it at you? - the doctor asks. - I will not understand. Here to you there were pilots of transport and civil aviation, so at them...
pilot kills vracha:
-It they pilots??!! It I am a pilot!!! (beats the breast).

*****

Paratroopers in the plane fly, there is to them an officer and speaks:
-Guys, all fly in Avhan Voyevat.
parni grew dark so... But the officer prodolzhayet:
-But we will pay an award for the head of each killed dushman - $1000!
samolet comes in the land, paratroopers in all directions. The officer alone, having opened a mouth, costs near the plane. In 30 minutes paratroopers come back, drag ligaments of the heads. The officer falls in obmorok:
-Children, we sat down in Tashkent for refueling...

*****

Excess six years Ilya Muromets until the wise magician told him lay on the furnace that in army do not take with 27!

*****

The slogan "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today",
vyveshenny in educational division to raise at kursantov
rveniye to study, took strange effect. Nearly a half lichnogo
sostava went in the evening to unauthorized absence.

*****

Any phrase, even the most offensive, depends on a context. For example, the guy in a military registration and enlistment office with pleasure is ready to hear
19-tiletny from voyenkoma:
-Went nakh@y from here!

*****

People share not those who is ready to lay down life for the Fatherland, and on those who is capable to find for it other application.

*****

- Lyusya, hardware... Accurately undress and pass. Only very silently, all spyat.
- And precisely all sleep?
-Yes is exact! What I, do not know the barracks, perhaps?.

*****

- Mother, at me tomorrow the control!
-do not worry, the sonny - now we will repeat everything. Capital of Germany?
-Berlin.
-Capital of France?
-Berlin. Mothers, give something poslozhnee.
- The Capital of Poland? What
-Berlin.
-you at m

*****

The major summons boytsa:
- The Private Petrov, you believe in afterlife?
-??? You on a check point the grandmother waits for
-to which you on a funeral went two weeks ago.

*****

The major Golub does pereklichku:
- The Cadet Golub!
-Here!
-of Hm... Yes we almost odnofamiltsy.
-It is so exact, companion major, only you have a soft end!

*****

The major makes the speech before kursantami:
-Companions cadets, you why without headdress go in the fall?
nuzhno to put on peak-caps, but not that will get sick with meningitis. It takaya
strashnaya illness: only two outcomes - or died, or the fool. So vot
my with the brother were ill... The brother died!

*****

The major explains in auditorii:
- The Maximum corner of an eminence of a machine gun the armored personnel carrier 30 gradusov.
-What degrees, companion major, Celsius or Fahrenheit?
-(having a little thought) Farengeyta.
druzhny a laughter in auditorii.
-Well and it is impossible to joke. Of course, Celsius.

*****

The major writes the application to the rukovodstvu:
"Last night, rising in your office, I faltered and stuknulsya
golovoy about a ladder. In this regard I ask to allocate mne
matheralnuyu the help in the size... rubles" .
(on repair of a ladder).

*****

The major tells off ryadovogo.
-You called the sergeant p@dly?
-Is so exact, companion major!
-A goat?
-Is so exact, companion major!
-A full-eyed $@#%% and rakhitochny %#@%%#@%
- No, companion major! I forgot to tell it to it.

*****

The major gives to soldiers lecture about Solar system. Suddenly it is caused urgently in a staff. He calls the ensign and speaks:
-Will read up for me on a notebook and will answer on questions.
na the next day the major asks:
-Well as, read up!
-Is so exact!
-Questions were?
-Is so exact!
-What? The Private Rabinovich asked
-, what to us is closer - the Moon or the Sun? Well I, companion major, answered evasively …
-Yes as is evasive?
-A went, I speak, you on h@y!

*****

The little girl approaches the plane where in an open cabin sit the pilot with the navigator, and asks:
-Uncles, uncles, and you are pilots? shturmanu:
-Hear
pilot, the navigator, we are pilots?
-Letchiki.
-Yes, the girl, we letchiki.
-Uncles pilots, and how many will be twice two? Hear
-, the navigator, how many will be twice two?
shturman, something considering on a mate ruler, answers: pyat.
-Hear, the girl, five it budet.
-As five, and the teacher said to us that chetyre.
- The Navigator, you that absolutely, the teacher said to it that four!
-Well so I adjusted for a wind!!!...

*****

Small hitrosti
chtob the Russian satellites did not fall - it is only necessary to povykovyrivat from them Skolkovo nanotechnologies, to establish back grandmother's alarm clock, and not to forget to get it before start.

*****

- The boy, hold a chocolate. And what it is necessary to tell the uncle?
-Guerrillas - over there.

*****

Mother vampire, Father werewolf. The son does not know on whose feet to go, whether v
nalogovuyu, whether in the Ministry of Internal Affairs.

*****

Maneuvers. Launcher. Around empty bottles i
valyaetsya dead-drunk calculation are scattered. Approaches komandirskiy
"GAZ car". On noise of the motor because of the starting the pyanyy
spetsnazovets-saboteur and raportuyet:
-T-tvarishchshch p-lkvnik creeps out! R-account of a conditional pr-tivnik uslovno
unichtozhen!.

*****

The marshal calls generalu:
-U you there are two sensible colonels?
Well... is!
Send them to me, it is necessary to rearrange a sofa.

*****

The marshal with suite bypasses a regiment avia system. To it poocheredno
predstavlyayutsya commanders of squadrons. At the end of a system stoit
leytenant with three soldatami:
-Companion marshal! The commander of the tank case - leytenant
senderushkin!
-!?
polozheniye rescues adjyutant.
-Jokes, it is companion marshal. Here the tank was sent for okhrany
aerodroma. All plundered - one case remained.

*****

The sailor caught gold a small fish. It it asks:
-What you have desires, the sailor?
-U me??? I do not have anything. You grant the first desire of the boatswain when he on the deck vyydet.
utrom the boatswain comes to the deck better, yawns and osmatrivayetsya:
-Well and a weather, an anchor to me in a bum!

*****

Mashenki's mother comes to the father of Vovochki:
-your son played with my daughter in doktora.
-Well yesterday, understand, at this age interest of children in an opposite sex is so natural... Yes better it it would vye*at
-! It to it CUT OUT APPENDICITIS!!!

*****

Mother covers on stol.
s: - Introduction No. 1 - the Kitchen is seized by the opponent!
O: - Well the sonny, would eat, and?
C: - The kitchen is seized by the opponent!

*****

Mother - synu:
- The Sonny if only you play sports and not to read books, you will grow up big and strong, and then for you angry green little men will come and will take away you with themselves in a military registration and enlistment office.

*****

Medical draft komissiya.
okulist:
-See these letters? Suit
-NET.
-closer. And now? Suit
-NET.
-Even closer. Now see? Closely suit
-NET.
-. Now see?
-Now, it seems, vizhu.
-So, distance of 50 cm. We write - "it is suitable for bayonet fight".

*****

Medical board in a military registration and enlistment office. To the woman - the doctor the recruit comes. ONA:
-Razdevaytes... bend down... move apart buttocks, odevaytes.
on (putting on): What, mother, delays it is not visible there?

*****

Medical board in a military registration and enlistment office. Turn to the surgeon. In an office the doctor and some probationers. Suddenly the doctor is called to phone and it, leaving, leaves instead of itself one of them. One of people on the waiting list approaches. The probationer, pokrasnev:
-Lower trusy.
on lowers. As soon as she touches the member, that vstayet.
praktikantka:
-Masha, bring a cold wet rag!.
I so several times. At last, the guy not vyderzhivayet:
-Listen, I came to medical board or your wet rags to dry here?

*****

Medical board at recruits. One feigns that it blind. The nurse shows bukvy:
-See letters? I do not see
-. The nurse slowly, smoothly rocking, strips to the skin, asks:
-you see Me? I do not see
-. The nurse approaches the recruit, delays trousers, looks - an erection at that on full programme:
-do not see, speak? And why costs? I do not know
-. I have the head, at it - the.

*****

- By the way, at me too 128 pryzhkov.
prichem, without parachute. No, I am not a paratrooper. I am the professional lover...

*****

The cop in a zoo approaches a cage with a parrot and well it draznit:
-Buttocks the fool, buttocks the fool... and etc.
A scare emu:
-Garbage, went TO H%Y!!!
MENT run to the director of a zoo to fine znachit.
direktor hardly dodged that the pier will carry out educational work with a bird and that more such not povtoritsya.
na the next day the situation repeats... The cop before a cage also teases
stoit popugaya:
-Buttocks the fool, buttocks the fool... - and so whole hour. At last bothered the cop and he turned to leave. And parrot emu:
-Hey, man... Well, you understood me!!!

*****

The cop stops the car with the drunk driver. The man leaves a car and sokrushayesya:
-Well everything, popalsya.
ment otvechayet:
-we Argue on piece that did not get!

*****

The mechanic exhausts the tank to the box. The ensign in front of the tank mashet
hands:
-"Give, give, give, give... Stoooooooy!!!!! and teper
vylaz also look that you did!"

*****

By a military registration and enlistment office I go with is proud of the raised moronic head.

*****

By smoothly going down parachutist with shout flies by drugoy.
-to It, you that shout?
- The Parachute was not developed!!!
-Here odd fellow, jump educational.

*****

The Ministry of Defence declared creation military piramidy:
kazhdy who will bring with himself into a military registration and enlistment office of three more "clients", is exempted from service in army.

*****

The Ministry of Defence suggests all young men who arrived on the first kursy
vuzov to have a rest within 2 years in prestigious hotels ARMY GRAND HOTEL
PO to Everything Is Switched Off + system! In number - 120 two-level beds s
tumbochkami and stools! To each vacationer - boots and portyanki
besplatno!