Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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Some days asked a question: why so many acquaintances were born at the end of November? Decided to count nine months - all understood - 23fevralya....

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In spite of the fact that the paratrooper's point at the time of a separation from a stage of the plane is capable to have a bite scrap, the effort created by muscles there is often not enough to provide full tightness of an opening...

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- Whether there is no cigarette at you? - the sergeant to ryadovomu.
-addressed Is, but I already everything promised them to another.

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- Never I will forget, - the soldier speaks, - as fighters rushed into barracks. There was a fight! I - one, they are six. Eventually I all of them forced to lay down on pol.
-As you made it?
-Is very simple. They tried to pull out me from under a be

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Never before in a regional military registration and enlistment office there was so much youth...
I after all nobody was too lazy, all amicably came to take a look at the fire...

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New game of air traffic controlers: Air fight.

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The recruit zhaluyetsya:
-Companion foreman, look that I was given out: trousers only to knees, the shirt dangles, sleeves short, boots hlyabat, to look strashno.
-Everything is all right, - the foreman told, - the soldier has to inspire fear.

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The recruit resembles by the general, without having saluted it. The general calls ego:
-You know who I am?!
novobranets:
-Hey, boys, go be kidding - here any old fart does not know who he is.

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The new chemical weapon - "Viagra gas"! Spray it over a battlefield and enemy soldiers I will not be able to move on all fours!

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The newly made military police officer was asked that on
ispytyvayet when privates call him "pig".
-It does not excite me, - he answered. - I cannot privyknut
k in any way to that call me "sir".

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News: Yesterday on the Russian-Chinese border Chinese fired at peacefully plowing Soviet tractor, on what the tractor answered with a series of rocket volleys, rose in air and departed. Director of collective farm colonel Ivanov.

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News: Sergei Ivanov continues to develop the military reform. From its last innovations especially it should be noted the order on a new form of ensigns in which of signs of distinction only one shoulder strap on the left shoulder as, it is told in the order is left, "the second shoulder strap because of continuous carrying a bag" .
sidyat two lieutenants practically are never visible. At another asks:
-Hear one, Serega, you have cigarettes? Well so davay.
- The wife at night, and if you ask will Give
-Est.
-to you... If the wife does not smoke
-A?!

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New law on police. A planning meeting at the general-mayora.
"Hello, silly persons"
shepot: "why? "
general: "Clever left, - dismissed fools"

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The new commander of a division, checking water-supplies in part, asked, what measures are taken for it ochistki.
-First of all we boiled it, ser.
-it is good, - approved general.
- Then we passed it through filtry.
-Perfectly, - noted komandir.
- And after that for a full guarantee we decided to drink only beer.

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Night, a pouring rain, goes the major, to a post checks. Sees, on a post there is a young soldier, and to the machine gun it fastened an umbrella. The major, it is reproachful: - Twenty years serve, I see the first time that boyalsya.
- And I also am not afraid of soldiers of a rain, companion major! See, I have an umbrella!

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Night, silence, stars. The father comes to a porch, zakurivayet.
-made Nothing. And as zayebatsya.

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At night in a hotel room two neighbors do not allow to fall asleep to the third: tell political jokes. That them pugayet:
-Here everything is listened!
ONI laugh and continue. Then he leaves and asks the person on duty exactly in five minutes to bring three cups of coffee in number. Companion major comes back, bends to an ashtray and speaks:
-! Three coffee in number, please!
dezhurnaya brings coffee. The shaken story-tellers lay down spat.
nautro the joker wakes up alone. Asks the person on duty, where his neighbors. That otvechayet:
- At Night gebist came, took away them!
-A why did not take away me?
- Their major said yes: "Painfully me his joke with an ashtray was pleasant!"

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On November 11, 2011, 2 former cops, and now "politsa" meet, sat down, drank, zakusili.
odin asks drugogo:
-Vas! and you where work now??? It is a shame to
VASYA:
-to tell, Kolyan, - in the BOTTOM!
KOLYAN:
-It as???
VASYA:
-Settlement department of police!
KOLYAN:
-Well it still anything, I, vaashche, - in Zh O P E.
VASYA:
- And it as???
KOLYAN:
-Railway department of police!
OBA razom:
- And what clumsy in this anus tired out all of us???

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- Well tell, the sonny how there it was served the whole year? Tell-tales did not beat?
-Yes you that!? I to them in the first day broke all feet the edges!!!

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Training of police in philanthrophy reminds a kosher or halyalny face of animals. All the same will beat and will gobble up. But according to ritual.

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Announced in army competition on the best company. The company No. 2 of part No. 31188 won. The Minister of Defence hands to the commander an award and говорит:
- Well, the captain how you managed?
Companion general, generally at us serves 30 years the ensign Filippenko, it is his merit...
ministr approaches to прапорщику.
- Well, the ensign, as to you удалось?
-Застегнись!!!!!!!
-?его-?его???
-Застегнись, mlya-mlya-mlya-mlya-mlya....
-that-that???
kapitan shepotom:
-Zastegnite a collar, companion general, and he the third time does not repeat that...

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voyenkomata:
"Due to the recent acts of terrorism and need of strengthening of defense capability of the country all earlier these bribes to consider the announcement on doors INVALID!"

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The announcement on boundary stolbe:
"Companions Violators! Due to the shortage of cartridges predupreditelnye
vystrely in air we do not make any more!"

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Explanatory the senior praporshchika:
ya, to guard the senior warrant officer of special troops Matveev, concerning delay na
sluzhbu I can explain the following. As always woke up at 5.30, probezhal
kross 10 kilometers, it was wrung out 200 times, it was tightened 100 times, after chego
prinyal an ice shower. Then has breakfast, cleaned boots, pogladil
kamuflyazh, put on it, put on unloading, equipped it with holders, grenades,
vzyal the gun, the machine gun, we send a plot, put on a face a fighting coloring, nadel
perchatki, before leaving looked in a mirror and... it was trashed.

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One military, wishing to have constantly pocket money, tells to the wife that on ego
vine during army doctrines the tank sank in a bog and now from it ezhemesyachno
budut to calculate on 50 rubles. In a year his wife complained to the commander chasti.
tot summoned her muzha:
-Listen, the lieutenant how it is not a shame to you with any lousy tank nedonosit
zhene 50 rubles? I the for the whole submarine do not give the rest of only 30 rubles!
-Companion colonel, and what sum, after yours to opinion, I should not give the rest to the wife za
tank?
-I Think that no more than 10 rubley.
- Then, I ask you, write the hand the small reference and specify in ney
summu. Houses the lieutenant gives to the wife this spravku:
-I asked that you did not go to the commander of part. Here admire: it threw k
toy to the sum 10 more rubles! Now I will monthly pay on 60 rubles!

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One man to drugomu:
-You know why cops always walk in couples?
-NET.
-One is able to read, and to write another. But here, as ill luck would have it, their speech was heard by cops and to maintain official authority, approach these men and ask to show documents. One takes the passport and speaks drugomu:
-Write down.

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One soldier speaks drugomu:
-Give a goat to barracks vozmem.
-You that! A stench, dirt …
-of Anything, it will get used. We got used.

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Once on a ball the lady flies up to the hussar colonel, all from indignation sama
ne the, and already choking so, vyskazyvayet:
-Mister colonel, one of your officers me offended the indignation!
-A how, madam?
-Ya asked to it a riddle: what is: small, gray, in a sexual crack shmyg? And on
said the indecent word from three letters!
-Well, rascal! On a guardroom I will let rot! (and on half-tone is lower): Yes, madam! And it is possible vas
sprosit? What it actually?
-Mysh.
-Mouse? In п$зде? Original with!

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Once in the spring the commander of part, passing by barracks, told praporu:
-Watch what icicles on a roof. And after all below officers go, there can be an accident. Well, you take the soldier, and let everything will break off. Only tie him a rope more strong, accidents are not necessary to me...
through resorts five minutes a prapor and zapykhayas dokladyvayet:
-Companion major, with the soldier accident - broke a leg!
-your mother, I after all told - a rope to bind, and you that?
-So, a rope too long appeared!
-is shorter, take now the car, load the soldier there and carry it in gospital
-Is!
EShchYo in five minutes resorts Companion major who was even more out of breath prapor:
-, with that soldier again accident - broke the second leg! That told
-Ya to you?
-So, shipped it in the car and in hospital. And the rope was forgotten to be untied.

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Whether one of the American generals sprosili
-it is possible to forgive the terrorist? That it otvetil
-God will forgive to
Ha. Our task to organize their meeting.

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One of izrailskikh
generalov was asked, it is possible li
prostit the terrorist? On it on
otvetil:
-God will forgive. Our task to organize their meeting.

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Asked one military cook a question as in army the melkonarezanny meat dish krolika.
-In a usual proportion prepares, - the cook, - one rabbit - one horse answered.

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He long hid, even gave out himself for an animal, but the military registration and enlistment office found him and put on on it kersey boots. Watch the fascinating blockbuster "Puss in Boots" at movie theaters.

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He was an ordinary cat, lay on the furnace and ate sour cream. But the army reached and it. Look at video "Puss in Boots".

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He creates too much noise?
ON began to take too much place? Do not know
VY where to put it? Its
otdayte in army!

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The operative Petrov who within a special task sat down under the guise of the beggar near church to beg, already next day without kole%aniye left bodies of the Ministry of Internal Affairs...

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The gibddeshnik stopped old "Zaporozhets". Also let's carp: the body dirty, smokes strongly, and in general it is impossible to go by it. Well, speaks: "Now we will have rooms". And itself so interrogatively looks at the driver supposedly what response offers at you are available? And the old grandfather, a beard on a belt, eyebrows to cheeks was the driver. Also that grandfather speaks: "You, are lovely the person, be not boiled. I in general that - gin and if you let me go in peace, at once will execute any your desire". The gibddeshnik the stick under a peak-cap that it was better thought scratched. Then scratched a back, then it is below and, at last, speaks: "I want that I had about what all around speak and anybody does not have that". "It is possible", gin agreed, pulled out from a beard a hair, blew at it and said: "Have conscience".

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Of what cells of a brain at military die?
-From loneliness.

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The remote garrison in a taiga - wretchedness, entertainments any. To the officer there arrived the young wife. Week passed - boredom, decided to descend in biblioteku.
tam sits praporshchik-bibliotekar.
- At you to read something interesting is?
-A of that is necessary?
-Well, something about lyubov.
praporshchik gets charters of garrison service, guard, internal, front. Throws on a table and speaks:
-On, read... Four volumes - and all from cover to cover about e ** yu