Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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The office dug ditch.
-Poor Henry, - one soldier told another, - with svoyey
myopia it urabotatsya to smerti.
- At what short-sightedness here? He does not see
- When the sergeant looks at it and therefore emu
prikhoditsya to wave a shovel without respite.

*****

The office of soldiers allocated for hozrabota amicably shirked ot
nego. One soldier, the famous idler, having lit, said:
- The Most difficult in idleness is that you not mozhesh
prervatsya and to have a rest.

*****

The father 5-year-old synu:
- When to you will be 18 years, you will urge to serve in armiyu.
- And I from it to an otkosh!
-That means to "otkosh"? And who will protect the Homeland? Here imagine that war began. If all argue as you, and nobody will go to be at war, what will be? All will be won!
posle of some pause the puzzled son speaks:
- The Father, I cannot understand in any way, who and whom will win if nobody goes to be at war...

*****

The military satellite which became obsolete Russian happy-go-lucky came across the acting American. As a result American lot of space debris. The lieutenant colonel of space troops of Russia V. L. Sluchay received an extraordinary rank.

*****

- Open! Militia! We militia did not cause
-, we caused the blyady! Us your neighbors caused
-!
-of Sa... cedi? So let they you and iba....

*****

Celebrate the next holiday. At a table the chief - the general and colonels, chiefs podrazdeleniy.
general says the next toast: "I suggest to drink for health! "
molodoy colonel: "Companion general, well how many it is possible to drink for health?! Let's drink for good luck! "
general: "Sit down, the colonel, you are still too young! Here to me good luck turned up yesterday, and health was not enough!! Therefore, we will drink for health!!"

*****

Sent the letter general with presentation of the stock "Day without Paper" .
SHEF approved, told to unpack and distribute the copy to each chief of divisions.

*****

Send the Ukrainian to army, gets on the train, leans out in a window. Marusya, Provazhayushchy on Peron, krichit:
-Mykola! So on what zhezh the address tebe pisata? That write
- At once at captivity.

*****

Having served conscription service in army, the soldier returned to a native small village. All, naturally, surrounded it and let's fill up with questions: that where there, as there. The soldier and rasskazyvayet:
-Army is idiocy!
-It why? - inhabitants derevni.
-uznayete.
v four o'clock in the morning in the village were surprised Tomorrow the peal was distributed. All villagers ran together. Stand in underwear, sleepy, swear. There is a soldier and speaks:
-Means so: we with the father follow firewood, the rest - to disperse!

*****

The company on a shooting range shot back. Anybody on a target not popal.
komroty, having constructed division, goes lengthways stroya:
-bl@d, anybody on a target did not get, you that, okhuyet, perhaps? And happen that, I, will protect the homeland perhaps?
Tak on h@y it is necessary to me?!

*****

The officer on recruitment of volunteers in army was delighted when uvidel
molodogo the person entering it ofis.
-I read your poster with an appeal to enter army, - told molodoy
chelovek
-Very well! Means, decided to become the volunteer?
-NET.
-Is not present? Why you then came to us?
-Ya wanted to tell that you did not count on me.

*****

The officer stopped the loafing-about private in the yard before kazarmoy.
-you why are occupied with nothing? Why you idle about here? You whom were on the citizen?
-Ya was the deputy chief of department in trade firme.
-Subordinates were, of course?
-Is so exact! 10 people! That you would make
-if saw how your subordinate hangs about!
-would Dismiss, without reflecting, immediately!

*****

The officer gives with soldiers classes on disciplinary ustavu.
-So, the private Smith, what you have to do if the officer ili
serzhant arrive with you nespravedlivo.
-to be silent, ser.
-But why? You can submit the official report on command. I see?
-Yes, sir!
-I that will follow after you complain? I will be punished by
-Ya, the sir!

*****

The officer - parting guard, runs up to a prapor - being desantniku:
-Listen, I need urgently to open a warehouse with the food or the part hungry remains, and there the sentry with the military weapon - the fighter from my company. It is necessary to remove it on fast, but accurately without the victims. You - a desantura, are able!
-A you che - the password forgot perhaps? Ask in shtabe.
-Yes not I forgot, but it, bit#ch!!!

*****

The officer tells off the soldier for tactless behavior:
-It you told the corporal, what he is a fool?
-So for sure.
-Also called it the rude fellow?
-I it was...
-I was told, what it is the ladies' man, the rogue and the informer?
-Is not present, the sir. I, unfortunately, forgot to tell it...

*****

The officer tells off soldata:
- The Private Ivanov, you returned to barracks drunk as a cobbler yesterday moreover pushed ahead of yourself the stolen wheelbarrow!
-Is so exact!
-March under arrest!
-Is so exact! But, maybe, you remember, what in this wheelbarrow there were you?

*****

The officer becomes angry on state prislugu:
-You that it to me again, kanalya, did not sew up pockets in trousers?
-Yes was no time everything, yours blagorodiye; then, I think that the ноне
15th-e, you, probably, have nothing and to put to 20-go;
time there, so, still is - I will be in time.

*****

The officer asks the soldier why that went to army. The recruit decided to answer chestno:
-First, I want to protect Rodinu.
-Pravilno.
-Secondly, the service does me silnee.
-Truly!
-Thirdly, anybody also did not ask my consent.

*****

Officer courses. The teacher sets question :
-you received the order to develop a field point of communication and the установить
8-meter antenna on the marshland. In yours rasporyazhenii
serzhant communications and five privates. Your actions?
IZ of audience followed some offers on engineering decisions,
S which help it is possible to put the antenna on bolote.
prepodavatel shook golovoy:
- The Wrong answers. It is necessary to call the sergeant and to tell: "The sergeant, here a field point of communication also install to
razvernite the 8-meter antenna".

*****

Officer troyeborye:
1) raising of a glass perevorotom
2) an exit by strong-willed effort because of stola
3) orientation on the unfamiliar district.

*****

Very hot day. The sergeant training soldiers to bayonet fight tried to lift fighting spirit at the subordinates who got wet from sweat that they pricked more vigorously filled chuchela.
-Present that these effigies - Your enemies, - are told by the sergeant. - They burned your houses and killed your parents. They took away your sisters, took away your money and drank yours pivo.
serzhant receded aside, and the rank of soldiers was rushed forth on a number of effigies with redoubled zeal. One of fighters, having grinned and having goggled, the Sergeant stopped about the sergeant and sprosil:
-, show who drank my beer from them?

*****

Prapor gave a company on excursion in zoopapk.
prapor:
- And it, companions privates, the open-air cage with giraffes. Just now ikh
ne it is visible as they are eggs in nests vysizhivayut.
ryadovoy:
-Companion ensign, and unless giraffes hatch out eggs?
PRAPOR:
-That! 40 times otzhatsya.
ryadovoy otzhimayetsya.
prapor:
-So you asked?
ryadovoy (choking):
-A when they on the South depart?

*****

Prapor comes home and speaks to the wife:
Wife let's Guzzle
-! zhalyetsya:
-I was so tired. For all day to time did not sit down...
ppapop took pity on it and forced to sit down its two hundred times...

*****

The ensign passes medkomissiyu.
okulist pposit:
-Close the left eye, - and a pointer shows on bukvu.
ppapopshchik molchit.
-Close right glaz.
ppapopshchik again molchit.
-you that, absolutely see nothing? - anxiously asks vpach.
-Well, I see perfectly, but only forgot as they are called

*****

- The father and why on your BMW is attached a St.George's Ribbon? Because we won against
- The last great war nemtsev.
- And what would be if they won?
- Then now any German would bind a knightly ribbon on the VAZ.

*****

The parachutist beginner asks at instruktora:
-What to do if the parachute is not developed? Open
-zapasnoy.
- And if this does not reveal? Very quickly wave
-rukami.
cherez some time knock in illyuminator:
- And what now to do?

*****

The guy from army sends home granatu.
- The Grandmother if you pull this ringlet, I will receive 3 days of holiday...

*****

The guy returned from army. Parents cannot rejoice on it: became such adult, independent... He sits at a window, and down the street there are girls. The guy watches them leave... Parents between soboy:
-Look, our, our! Admires at girls! The guy, having seen off girls long vzglyadom:
-Trousers not glaWife, collars are not hemmed, go without cadence. SILLY WOMEN!!!

*****

The guy - girl:
-That it at you on a hand?
-Rodinka.
-Strange birthmark, "DMB-96"...

*****

The guy came on draft komissiyu.
-Is fit - the Doctor declares vrach.
-, but I badly vizhu.
-We so do not consider. This morning we recognized suitable almost blind man.
-That?! And this blind will serve?!
-Is not present. Its seeing eye dog had a platypodia

*****

The guy did not want to do military service. That it was rejected by medical commission, he decided to use cunning with the analysis of urine: took a little urine of the father, sister, a dog and the. Everything mixed and handed over. The answer on the form of a military registration and enlistment office came: "Your father has a gonorrhea, the sister is pregnant, at a dog - diabetes, and you will go to serve!"

*****

The passenger styuardesse:
- And that it is pilots through the left shoulder are spat? The Black cat through the road flew over
-!
-A from where it undertook here? Astronauts from station threw out
-!

*****

The first pilot - shturmanu:
-Stepanych, tell these rams paratroopers that stopped jumping, we did not fly up yet!

*****

- What first of all the driver if in time
the movements he ignited the engine has to make? - asked ryadovogo
Fox at examinations for receiving driver's prav.
- First of all the driver has to swear strong, - otvetil
ryadovoy, had training at t

*****

Before a jump the instructor addresses kursantov:
-not to combine two jumps in one, precisely carry out mine ukazaniya
- And what for two jumps?
-First and the last.

*****

Muster in army:
-Ivanov.
-Ya!
-Petrov.
-Ya!
Thirty puppies!?
Da Zosciencov I, Zosciencov!!!

*****

Muster in army:
-Ivanov?
-Ya!
-Petrov?
-Ya!
-Cherezzabornoguzaderishchinsky?
-Ya!
-Not х&я to itself surname...
-Ya!
-Well fuc@ked!!!
-Not of fuc@ked, and fuc@keds. We two brothers twins!

*****

Muster in army:
-Petrov! -I am! -Ivanov! -I am! -Sidorov! -I am! -Youthat, relatives?
No, namesakes!

*****

Pereklichka.
-Ivanov!
-Ya.
-Rare familiya.
-Yes, sir...