Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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The colonel, the commander of part, speaks to the subordinate, leytenantu:
-Well if everything will go according to the plan, can prepare a hole for ordena.
leytenant:
- And if not according to the plan?
- Then is necessary nothing as on this case you already have a hole

*****

Colonel kursantam:
-Characteristics of the equipment: functions at temperatures OT
-300C to + 300C. A voice from zala:
-Sorry, but scientists do not know such temperatures, absolute nol
-273s.
- The Equipment confidential, scientists could not know!

*****

The colonel appointed in new part, getting acquainted with staff, wanted to prove to be democratic and therefore addressed to one izsoldat with such slovami:
-Keep in a system above the head, the guy, even when addresses to you the big chief. You can offer to me a hand and tell to the father that shook hands with the colonel. For certain it will be proud that to his son such honor dropped out. By the way, who your father?
-General, sir.

*****

Colonel. (To the chief of the dining room):
-Well when in our dining room will be normal chelovecheskiye
yaytsa.

*****

Colonel: "Soldier's life is hard! For example, I did not receive a medal for January!"

*****

The colonel lectures ryadovogo:
p - So, the private Ivanov, you are very ill-bred - at all are not able to have a rest. As dismissal - so a fight, riots, boozes. Here, for example, I: went shooting, lo and behold - a pylon, I filled up it, and where to me the whole pylon? I cut off a lyazhechka - and on the left shoulder … I go further - still a pylon, filled up it, and where to me the whole pylon? I cut off a lyazhechka - and on the right shoulder …
B is time calls, phone and the colonel distracts on telephone conversation … Having finished conversation the colonel prodolzhayet:
p - So, the private on what I stopped?
P - One thigh on the left shoulder, another on right …
P - Aha and as vperdolit it on the first at it already a wig flied!

*****

The colonel with a prapor come into a house entrance. Polkovnik:
-Prapor, call the elevator, You're welcome.
prapor:
-Liiiiiiift, Liiiiiift!

*****

The colonel - to the zamestitelyu:
"Tomorrow at 10.00 will occur a solar eclipse that it happens den.
ves to construct not everyone staff near barracks that everyone could observe this natural phenomenon. If weather is bad and the eclipse will not observe opportunity, collect all staff in the sports hall."
zamestitel - kapitanu:
"Tomorrow at 10.00 will be a solar eclipse. If the rain goes, it can be seen outside of barracks, and the eclipse will occur in the sports hall. It happens not every day."
kapitan - leytenantu:
"By order of the colonel in the sports hall will be made tomorrow solar zatmeniye.
If the rain will go, the colonel will give the special order that there is not every day"
leytenant - serzhantu:
"Tomorrow the regiment carries out a solar eclipse in the sports hall that there will be every time when it is raining! "
serzhant - soldatam:
"Tomorrow all dismissals are cancelled because of the colonel's eclipse from the sun. If the rain goes in the sports hall that happens not every day, all to be constructed near barracks"

*****

The colonel - the Soviet military adviser - was taken prisoner v
mozambike. The leader of a tribe prikazyvayet:
-White - on baraban.
polkovnik is enough for a dinner, skin a fork and furiously sticks it to himself in lysinu:
-Here to you a drum! Here to you drum!

*****

The colonel sparshivat at a system soldat:
-Taakk, who at us mathematics?
-Ya, I..., I - voices from stroya.
-Well here and well reach, mathematics, we fail, we take shovels and we go to a field to take roots!!!

*****

The colonel - supruge:
-to Set aside, without cadence kiss!.

*****

Colonels do not run as in a peace time the running colonel causes laughter, and in the military - a panic.

*****

Full stop to the people. The little boy asks about what that the militiaman, and that his string of obscenities sends. Two old women standing nearby solved vmeshatsya.
-Tovarishch the militiaman unless it is possible so a mat to talk to the child he malenkiy.
- And you know, what he asks? He wants that I tr %% nulnut him sobaku.
- And what for?
-Why, why. Whether it you see, wants to have a militia dog!!!

*****

I remember our friend went to army... still in 98m to year. The letter "Us comes from it here after a while learn to clean snow and to cook potato. So if the enemy will attack - we to him will clear away the road and we will prepare to guzzle"

*****

It was required somehow to ours during war documents from a staff of Germans to steal...
dobrovoltsev is not present (days all), sent means the Chukchi (it it is not a pity) and grit to it: if take for a zh%pa - we to you sewed up in a collar an ampoule with poison, will bite it and kirdyk is instant - but type military secret will not hand over to voroga!
vozvrashchayetsya it in a week, with classified documents, reyskhmarka, a banner of a regiment fascist, well etc. also tells - here all trophies, and at the same time I and all staff smoothed out from friyets!
-As you managed? alone to bring everything yes at the same time and to ruin all staff? what it was heaviest on a task?
ON otvechayet:
-was heaviest, however, to force them to bite my collar!!!

*****

The boy got to aircraft. Distances to it a task - samolet
protirat alcohol. It took vedryshko alcohol, the ensign and, with square eyes, speaks:
-You that dips a rag and the plane protirayet.
podkhodit there??!! Went crazy??!!...
-A that such??? Watch
-, - tells a prapor, takes a bucket, drinks off, breathes aboard the plane and starts rubbing with a rag, prigovarivaya:
- And a thin layer...

*****

The lieutenant Rzhevsky rides Natasha on the boat. Natasha:
-Oh, the lieutenant, on the right coast deer, as if I wanted to become a deer!
poruchik in water smotrit.
- The Lieutenant, what you found there?
-Well, so, anything...
plyvut is farther... At
-Oh, the lieutenant, look, there, behind canes swans float, kak
by I wanted to become a swan!
poruchik in water looks...
- The Lieutenant, what all of you in water yes, in water?!
-Бля#ь, crayfish, where crayfish!

*****

The lieutenant Rzhevsky lies in a bed with Natasha of Rostovoy.
vy, Natasha, just like the heating battery, does a compliment the lieutenant Rzhevskiy.
chto, such warm?
DA is not present, such rebristaya.
poruchik, and you have a member as London express.
takoy the long?
NET is necessary two minutes.

*****

After fight soldiers sit, evil all - many wounded-killed, Germans from height did not beat out. Start thinking out, here if to catch Hitler, what with him to make? One offers: "In shit to drown!" .
ostalnye: "Ne-e-e, it is painfully simple." The foreman smokes. Vtoroy:
"Chetvertovat of a reptile!" All: "Ne-e-e, it too quickly." Foreman kurit.
trety: "To connect and in an ant hill, start up they it will gobble up!" "Ne-e-e, badly will be visible" the Foreman finished smoking: "And now listen, sonnies that we with it actually will make! Let's take an iron rail, we will heat one end, and to it we will thrust another into an ass!" Death silence. At last the youngest ventured: "Companion foreman, and why the cold? It is necessary on the contrary! "
starshina is preceptive: "And that allies did not pull out!!!"

*****

After an evening release the ensign found the private on one of small streets of the town. The ensign gets the notebook and speaks:
-So, so! Who it got to us? Your name and surname?
-Ivan of Ivanov.
-Is not present, no! With me such features will not pass! Your presents name and surname?
-I am called deystviteltno Ivan Ivanov! To you me not to make a fool of
-! Do not awake in me an animal! So?
-Fedor Mikhaylovich Dostoyevsky!
-is excellent! Why at once not to tell the name?!

*****

After long general hard drinking commander of the submarine vyzyvayet
shturmana:
-.....!!! Shob in an hour to me there were our coordinates!!!
-Tvvarshsh commander, to navigation equipment p.... c...
-.....!!! Akustik!!! To report a situation!!!
-Noise of screws at the left on a board...
- The Volley three torpedoes and is silent to me...! Let's pass SOS - hren
uznayem where we are...

*****

After long hard drinking the commander of the submarine causes shturmana:
-Shob in an hour to me there were our coordinates!!!
-Tvvarshsh the commander, a nicha is not clear to navigation equipment...
-Akustik!!! To report a situation!!!
-Noise of screws at the left on bortu
- The Volley three torpedoes and is silent to me! Let's pass SOS - we learn a horse-radish where we are

*****

After ship-wreck on the desert island there are three from team of the ship: captain, warrant officer and sailor. In some days of stay on the island they suddenly find a jug of which after an uncapping, naturally, the genie gets out and promises everyone to execute at one desire. The first as the senior, makes a wish kapitan:
-I Want a charming blodnidka with magnificent byustom.
tut before it there is a pyshnogrudy blonde indescribable krasoty.
michman: - I want the magnificent brunette with wide bedrami.
i the girl right there appears at it with the set parameters and so attractive, as the first. When the turn reached the sailor, he keeping the eyes glued on girls, proiznes:
-I Want that the captain and the warrant officer became gay persons!
ochen not for long rejoiced the sailor to execution of the desire. And girls and remained without man's heat.

*****

After visit of barracks where cleaning was carried out carelessly,
general, pointing to an inscription before an entrance in kazarmu:
"Please, walk", prikazal:
-to Add at the end: "... at an exit from barracks".

*****

After joint doctrines of Russia, China and India in the territory of Siberia the company of Chinese - two million people was lost.

*****

After at dispersal of the zombie parade in Moscow, a little sotrudnikov
omon were bitten also turned into the zombie, employees moskovskogo
omona refuse flatly to disperse gay parade!

*****

After an uchebka there come to military unit three lieutenants, Companion colonel, the lieutenant of "such" military service for passing pribyl.
polkovnik speaks:
-So come to the commander of part and everyone dokladyvayet:
-, well with it everything is clear, but you it is three answers better for me simple than a question. What do you think of binge? What do you think of women?
I what do you think of service in army? I give you 2 hours on razdumya.
through two hours the first comes and speaks:
-I do not drink, I do not fool around, to do military service hochu.
polkovnik speaks:
- The Good fellow, there will be a commander 3y roty.
zakhodit the second lieutenant and dokladyvayet:
-Vodka is drunk every day, I fool around constantly, to serve not hochu.
polkovnik otvechayet:
-Well, too it is quite good, there will be zav.skladom.
zakhodit the third lieutenant and dokladyvayet:
-Companion colonel, vodka in a luggage carrier, maids in the car what further instructions will be?
polkovnik approaches a table, takes phone call, dials number and speaks:
-Hallo, expensive, I will a little be late today, I will go to show part to the deputy.

*****

After state of emergency the commander of a company builds division in two ranks and oret:
-you that mlya mice, think I do not know that occurs in a company!!! Yes I blya know everything that here occurs!!! I even blya know all your birthdays!!! Birthdays of your fathers, mothers, dyad, aunts and their dogs!!! I even know when at them monthly begin!!!... He understood
TUT that told that that not that, a pause... Silent quiet golosom:
-Well I mean dogs

*****

The last words of the recruit with fighting granatoy:
"To how many, you speak, I have to count?"

*****

- The last man from our village in army ushyol.
- And what, could not otkosit?
-Why could not?! Otkosil - also left.

*****

- Listen, the colonel when you were young, what at you byli
samye favourite hobbies?
-Hunting and women!
-A for whom you hunted?
-For women!

*****

Gorbachev argued with Reygang, whose army the laziest. Priyezzhayut
v Ameriku:
-Who at us the laziest to fail?!
VSYa the army took two steps forward. Come to the USSR. Gorbachev
asks at army:
-Who the laziest to fail! The army costs
VSYa, and two privates tell between soboy:
-Vas, went, what?
-You che, okhrenet, to go so far.

*****

KGB, the American CIA and international "INTERPOL" argued our: who is better with crime and spies consults. Started in the wood of a hare who will catch it - that the best!
"INTERPOL": burned all wood together with poor zaytsem.
tsru: surrounded the wood on perimeter, combed all wood up and down, the hare was not found. KGB: come into the wood and in 5 minutes pull out from the wood to semi-death of the hackneyed bear shouting: "Yes, I am a hare"!

*****

Russians argued with Americans, at whom army more abruptly. Decided to land the best divisions on the island who will survive, that and won. And at Russians all the best in Chechnya are at war, the others or peacekeepers, or on objects, or recruits. There is nothing to do, decided to land convicts. "Green berets" and convicts on the island land, so, and command on a clearing waits for them. After a while on a clearing the blood-stained "beret" creeps out, the American generals and sprashivayut:
-Well run up to it? We won?
-Is not present until were responsible only for goats.

*****

Creation of OMON fighters. One OMON fighter was late. His commander raspekayet:
-you why were late? Understand
-, companion captain... I woke up today at 6:00 as usual... ran 30 km... it was wrung out 150 times... dressed a camouflage... dressed a bullet-proof vest, a mask, a helmet... hung up the machine gun on a breast, the gun thrust into a holster... took an engineer shovel... fastened a rubber bludgeon... put the cylinder "Bird cherries" in a pocket... in a boot hid a knife... fastened handcuffs...
-I in what business?
- When left the house, incidentally in a mirror looked... also it obkakatsya.

*****

The prapor constructed a company and speaks:
-Who can repair a handheld transceiver on an armored troop-carrier?
IZ stroya:
-Tovarishch the ensign, and a handheld transceiver on lamps or on transistors? I repeat
-For the stupid - ON the ARMOURED TROOP-CARRIER!!!

*****

The ensign of privates constructed and speaks:
-Now I will ask to you three very difficult riddles. The first - two black, polished, shining, in a corner stoyat.
nikto does not know! It speaks:
-Idiots, same pair of tarpaulin boots! The second - four black, polished, shining, in a corner stoyat.
nikto not znayet.
-Idiots, the same two couples tarpaulin boots! The third - on a bog lives in the wood, croaks, on la begins, on a gushka zakanchivayetsya.
odin from privates pulls ruku:
-... three couples tarpaulin boots?

*****

The major comes to academy. To arrive it is necessary to answer on 3 voprosa.
zadayut to it pervyy:
-tell companion major, what such an ankle joint?
TOT is short dumaya:
- The Question understood, I answer. The ankle joint consists of a shin and foot, is intended for wearing shoes in the summer, and in the winter botinok.
komisiya in horror, here what clever major got. set vtoroy:
-that such a craniocereberal box?
-understood a question, I answer. The craniocereberal box consists of a skull and brains, is intended for carrying a peak-cap in the summer, in the winter shapki.
vse shocked, but it is necessary to fill up since places everything are bought. thought, thought and here the experienced general asks:
-tell companion major how to find a genital at the woman. the major thought and speaks:
-vpros understood, I answer. We take the woman, we undress, we lay down a stomach on a table, we grease a thumb in weapon oil and we conduct from a neck on a backbone down to the second click.

*****

The commander of part of a zampolit sends to learn about what there officers in tent talk. That went, listened, comes back and dokladyvayet:
"Yes all about vodka yes about women". In an hour the commander zampolita.
tot again sends comes and reports: "Yes all about women and about vodka". In an hour again the commander sends a zampolit there. Zampolit runs in and dokladyvayet:
"Yes here about equipment and about soldiers they talk" .
"Yes! - the commander thinks, - Means already got drunk, swine!"