Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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The pilot dozed off at a steering wheel... flew in a stratosphere. Looked at devices and went nuts terribly to it stalo.
-My God! - speaks.
iz handheld transceivers golos:
-That to you, my son?

*****

- The pilot Ivanov, the pilot Ivanov if you hear me - shake krylyami.
- The Dispatcher, the dispatcher, I landed two hours ago if you hear me - shake a tower.

*****

The pilot of the royal Air Force conducted the plane over Atlantic as suddenly u
nego the right motor flashed. The most reasonable, he thought, was by
seychas to land, but to sushi there were 300 miles and height 10000
futov. The pilot immediately communicated with control punktom.
- The Plane on fire, there is in 300 miles in Atlantic, height 10000
futov. What to do, I wait for instructions! dispetcher:
-Repeat
dezhurny after me: "My God, forgive me, guilty..."

*****

The letter from the friend from army: "Us learn to clean snow here and to cook kartoshku.
tak that if the enemy attacks - we to it will clear away the road and we will prepare to guzzle".

*****

The letter in edition musical programm:
-our foreman hates Kirkorov. Told that if once again will hear it, it will be shot! I ask to transfer Kirkorov's song "Only mine", "My hare" and the control song of "Chic of ladies".

*****

The letter soldata.
soldat writes the letter home to the zhene:
-to me a little money for cigarettes, etc. is necessary. I think, 3000 rubles would be enough for me on this mesyats.
Wife writes it in otvet:
-300 rubles on cigarettes Here. And ", etc." waits for you at home free of charge.

*****

The young tell-tale writes the letter home. Writes. writes - something not that. Threw out. Again writes, writes - no, not that, is not enough heroism!
VZYAL an arson a leaf from all directions, extinguished and pishet:
" Hello the father and mother! I'm fine. I write you from the burning tank..."

*****

The poster in kazarme:
soldat! Remember! When you sleep - the opponent does not doze! Sleep more, exhaust the enemy insomnia!

*****

- Badly shoot, companions soldiers, - the inspecting general discontentedly speaks. Itself takes the machine gun, aims and gives ochered.
-Zero!
-That's it so you also shoot. Shame! Companion captain, show to a company as it is necessary!

*****

On the platform there is a gloomy system a crowd of recruits, towards three demobilizations, overdressed, aiguilettes, everything put, one of them krichit:
-Hey, spirits, your women we go to tra%at! From tolpy:
-We yours already ottra%at
pauza, a half-drunk voice...

*****

Across the territory of military unit the ensign with the wheelbarrow full of shit rushes. Stops it kapitan:
-Stop! That stole? I do not trust
-Nichego.
-, - the captain dips hands into shit and rummages there. Anything ne
naydya, releases the ensign. Ensign nesgtsya further. Towards to it mayor:
-Stop! That stole? I do not trust
-Nichego.
-, - the major dips hands into shit and rummages there, but also finds nothing. The ensign rushes further. Towards to it polkovnik:
-Stop! That stole? That I will give
-Nichego.
-Ya anything, - the colonel dips hands into shit and rummages there,
NO too finds nothing. At last the ensign runs out for part gate, looks back, throws out of a wheelbarrow shit and spitefully vorchit:
-"That stole - that stole"... Stole a wheelbarrow!

*****

Down the street there are an ensign and the young lieutenant. Ahead devushka
v pass. Leytenant:
-Look, the woman all right! Give her вы$@#м .
praporshchik:
-Give... And for what?

*****

It was beaten when landing the plane. The crew jumped out, and runs nego.
komandir prichitayet:
-It because of me around, I incorrectly constructed calling, late the reverse ordered... It I am guilty
shturman:
-, incorrectly the course laid, height incorrectly read out...
bortinzhener:
-Is not present, it I am guilty, I to engines set not that mode...
vtoroy the pilot (shaking off) with
-B@ya! Nearly killed, swine!

*****

- The cook Smith, you prepared exclusive obed.
-Really today, the sergeant?!
-Yes, even I feel sick from it.

*****

The frontier guard with a dog goes along border. In kustakh.
pogranichnik - sobake:
-Idi look at rustle that there takoye.
-you Went!. I and from here can pogavkat.

*****

Border check-point Ivangorod-Narva. The Russian tourist by car passes long and tiresome customs inspection ("That to a fezetta? Orushiye, drugs?" and so forth, and so forth). At last, the Estonian customs officer prosit:
-Poshaalusta, open a pakashnik. (The luggage carrier opens)
-(Pointing a finger) That it?
-Sumka.
-That fnutr?
-Personal belongings - clothes, linen... Open
-, show. (Attentively considers contents). Sakroytte.
chto it?
- The Case for ochkov.
-That fnutr?
-(Fatefully) of Otkroytte's Ochki.
-, show. (Opens an empty case. A heavy inquiring look of the customs officer)
-Ah you, left at home! As I now...
-of Sakroytte. What it?
-(Rolling up eyes) Zapask!
-That fnutr?
-Air, pancake!!
-(Unperturbably) Truth? Or how from ochkaa?

*****

Frontier group dezhurnomu:
-Companion captain! The educational violator is detained by 3 shots v
upor!

*****

Summing up doctrines Vdv.
general: - Participated 100, successfully landed 97, losses - NO!
zhurnalist: - Forgive, how without loss? And where three more …?
general: - The crew refused to jump...

*****

The underwater fleet of Ukraine was replenished with two units of military equipment. Last night in the Balaklavsky bay from an old age sank a tow "Opanas Shpak" and the small fuelling vessel "Goverla".

*****

The plane flies up to Zurich, the pilot requests from the dispatcher exact time at the airport. The dispatcher asks the pilot, and what airline possesses the plane. The pilot is essno surprised and asks - and actually what difference, you tell exact time to me and go good luck, and the dispatcher is not appeased-tell what airline say yes what airline, well the rage took the pilot and it too began prepiratsya.
through three minutes to the pilot bothered and he speaks to the dispatcher - Like, all right, I will tell now, only you tell, why it tebe.
dispetcher and speaks: Well here, for example, if you on Swiss Air, exact time-14 of hours of 30 minutes and 20 seconds, if you on Air France, exact time-14 of hours of 30 minutes and if you from Aeroflot today vtornik.
rs the Original was told by the Hindu about Air India:-)

*****

The private to generalu:
-Companion general, you a package approaches!
-Not to you, but you!
-A it on h@y is not necessary to us!

*****

The private approaches the foreman and asks:
-Companion ensign, tell, how many you can eat rolls on an empty stomach?
-Well, rolls pyat.
-Is here wrong. On an empty stomach you can eat only one roll, and the others will already be on a stomach in which something est.
-What interesting riddle, - the ensign thinks. - I will go to her captain zagadayu.
-Companion captain, tell, how many you can eat rolls on an empty stomach?
-Well, vosem.
-Eh is a pity for rolls, you here would tell "five", I so would pin up you.

*****

The soldier approaches the commander and speaks:
-Tovarishch the commander allow to report!
Report the soldier! The
Foreman speaks that I have a terrible ugly face! And at most... (looks back in search of an example) At most well. Well it is slightly better than yours!

*****

The son approaches the father and asks: fathers, and that such army dolbo*bizm. - go to bed rasskazhu.
5 mornings tomorrow the father awakes the son. Went, speaks, I will tell. Come to the region of the village and let's clang a bell, here all village runs together: That that happened - that. The father speaks: so people, we now with the son go fishing, all others can disperse.

*****

The train on border. Customs. The conductor Manka from the third vagona:
-Nikolay Petrovich resorts to the foreman of the train, there customs officers behave with brutality, all upside down overturn!
brigadir gets from a case two bottles vodki:
-On, go offer them. In 10 minutes. Manka:
-Oh, well simply any animals, do not want they vodka! Brigadir:
-Well tell Natashka from the fifth, let she with them pozaigryvayet.
through 15 minutes. Manka:
-Natashka there the nearly naked danced - do not want!
brigadir:
-Well on, carry them to everyone on 100 dollars. Through twenty minut.
manka:
-Yes they do not take money, Nikolay Petrovich!
brigadir, zadumchivo:
-Listen, Manka, they do not drink vodka, maids do not want, money do not take... THEIR
GONI ON the HORSE-RADISH, any they are not customs officers!

*****

The elderly ADMIRAL got acquainted with the very young girl. Invited, fed, gave to drink, presented flowers, brought home. Evening... And admiral elderly. Half an hour of a minyet a situation is not rescued. 40 minutes, 1 hour, 1,5 hours. The got wet girl, throwing back a bound together bang from a forehead in a fit of temper says: "Ivan Petrovich, well he is NOT NECESSARY!!!". Admiral: "And it also should not STAND, IT HAS TO SHINE!!!!!!"

*****

Called somehow a prapor of the private and speaks:
-Na, take a mug and go, bring me vody.
ryadovomu laziness was to go therefore it takes a mug, overturns it while the prapor does not see and speaks:
-Eto it is not possible on technical Prichinam.
-Poe what? - See
- whether, this mug zapayana.
prapor takes a mug, perevorachit, and speaks:
-Opa! And the bottom is not present!

*****

The old man caught a goldfish, she begged and speaks dedu:
-Release me, the grandfather, I will grant any your desire...
-I Want to be the Hero of the Soviet Union!
... Also there was a grandfather one with two grenades against five tanks...

*****

Did not serve slept peacefully yet, knew that okhranyayut.
vo time of service slept badly, protected. After service I do not sleep at all... I know who protects.

*****

Two guerrillas in investigation creep, hands so get. Pervyy:
-Pancake! I in shit walked smack! - And a hand podnimayet.
vtoroy loudly laughs. The first clamps to it a mouth rukoy
-Yes more silently, you!!!

*****

Two soldiers in investigation creep...
vdrug one walks smack a hand in govno.
vtoroy:
-Ha-ha-ha!!!
pervy (shutting it a mouth the smeared hand):
-is silent!

*****

Ground. Educational firing practice. Loading Companion major runs up to kombatu:
-, shells came to an end!
-That, absolutely came to an end?
-Is so exact!
-of Any did not remain?
-Is so exact!
-Pre-ekratit fire!

*****

The police officer during night patrol: - Girl, yours dokumenty.
-Please. Petrova Olga Sergeevna.
-So, Olga Sergeyevna with whom work?
-Night butterflu.
-That?
-Night butterflu.
-did not understand!
-A you that, think, you one renamed?

*****

The police officer watches the young lady undressing on the river bank. When it was going to enter water, it gave golos:
-Here to bathe zapreshcheno.
-That you were silent earlier?
-A is not forbidden to undress here.

*****

The police department dispatched on all sites of a photo of the wanted criminal in six foreshortenings. Soon from one site it was received urgent doneseniye:
"Five it is arrested, for the sixth it is observed".

*****

Polk of special function mowed clean two hectares of hemp, counted themselves as star soldiers - departed on other planet to be at war with Pokemons.

*****

The colonel of Airborne troops tells the young cadet of the Ryazan school about fighting nagradakh:
-This - for Avhan, this - for Fergana, this - for Transnistria, this - for Abkhazia, this - for Ossetia, this - for the first Chechnya, this - for second Chechnyu.
tam, generally awards received. But bolshevsy I appreciate the medal "For Courage",
-For what distances?
-of the Minister of Defence with his reforms prinarodno on x @@ sent. Also did not dismiss!

*****

The colonel speaks leytenantu:
-If everything goes according to the plan, drill a hole for ordena.
- And if everything goes not according to the plan? Well, for this case a hole you already have
-…

*****

The colonel reports on the general on progress chasti:
-... But the part achieved special progress in strengthening of discipline...
B the slightly opened door suddenly is pushed the head soldata:
-Hey, the old man, so I take the car, and?
polkovnik turns to stunned generalu:
-Here see?! And after all a year ago he also did not begin to ask!